I try not to close my eyes
I force them open and concentrate
My fear deepens
They flutter shut
I see him once again
Lying cold,
               broken,
                           alone.
A paper cut-out in my mind
Upon the inner eyelid
All I can see
Forever more
And I know
In my heart
It was all
               my
                     fault

So I cry and rock myself
But my eyes will never close

I fumble with the foil
And tear it back
one
      two
             three
                     four
I lose count.
Maybe twelve.
Maybe more.
And I’m not sure.
Was this right?
Is it too late?
Can I change my mind?
But I close my eyes and see his face
And it reminds me
Of everything
I take the blade and marvel.
I marvel at how beautiful it can look
And I marvel at how sharp it can be
And I marvel that my final thoughts aren’t of him

But then I remember him
And he’s in my mind again

I mustn’t close my eyes
I mustn’t close my eyes

So I lie with my eyes open
Cold,
       Broken,
     Alone,
Gone